Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

3
Nov

How to Deal with a Narcissist

by adminadam in articles

john_william_waterhouse_echo_and_narcissus

Rules Adapted from: 12 Steps to Dealing with Narcissists – Emotional Self Protection and Boundary Setting
Author/Producer: RICHARD GRANNON SPARTANLIFECOACH
Original Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-Ud9tV90U0

A Twelve-Step Program

  1. Identify and admit that you are dealing with a narcissist.
  2. Test it: do you feel like crap when you speak to them?
  3. Clarify to yourself what you are feeling at the moment (while dealing with them).
  4. Clarify the boundary between your problems and their problems. (say “I’m not having that problem.”)
  5. Assert to yourself that you don’t let people treat you like this.
  6. Be aware they have ulterior motives and an interminable agenda. (It won’t get better.)
  7. Physically withdraw as much as possible and create distance between you and them.
  8. Psychologically withdraw from them. Don’t be tempted to share or be friendly.
  9. Recognize and remind yourself that you cannot help or fix them, no matter how reasonable or compassionate you may be.
  10. Manage your own state of being and remember that they are provoked the most by vulnerability (exploiting the weak).
  11. Remember that they need your pain and discomfort to feel good.
  12. Do not discuss personal issues with narcissists. Redirect the conversation.

My Challenge

I find I always have to remind myself most that they cannot be helped (#9) and it will not get better (#6). As a reasonable and empathetic person myself, I am so often flabbergasted by their inability to integrate new self-knowledge via external feedback, coaching, guidance, and so on that they receive from others. The fact that they engage in feedback-seeking behaviors without the fundamental capacity (and/or willingness) to induce personal growth in themselves using said feedback just confounds me. I constantly find myself feeling sorry for myself that it *truly* won’t get any better and I can’t do anything to change, halt, or unravel the narcissist’s indiscriminate vomit-spewing agenda.

And then I find myself caught in this rabbit-hole loop of positing new and ever more refined, plausible-sounding theories about the childhood trauma-based, alcoholism-exacerbated, insecurity-ridden, self-aggrandizing, other-invalidating behaviors that eminate from this pathetic shell of a person. This pathetic shell of a person who gets drunk and then cries for her mama after she’s done trash-talking you and your family for an hour. This pathetic shell of a person who pounds his chest and interrupts the meeting 38 times in 25 minutes so he can feel like Big Important Ape-Man and then go cry in his car for an hour in the office parking lot while drinking himself stupid.

And I feel the damned temptation to be merciful, compassionate, and understanding. But at least I am not damned like them. I have the ability to choose how I bring these patterns and this fluctuating dynamic into my conscious awareness, to choose to see things as they really are. I am blessed to have this burden that is empathy, that is other-awareness, that is sense-of-fairness, that is self-awareness. Not everybody has that particular giant boulder to push up the hill every day now do they?


The Myth of Sisyphus

23
Mar

Thrive On, Thrive Out

by adminadam in poetry

thrive on and thrive out while you still can,
for the cosmos is expanding like a memory that fades

a memory like
your lover being yanked out of your hands by a forward-clanging train
you choke on puked out smoke and steam and hold back dirtied tears
while a painful hasty nothing grows between what once was One
felt unsure if you could ever catch again the outstretched fingers
they once were yours…

look up!
the rockets flying right past stars nearly at light-speed
are struggling to connect anything
much less merge the species of far-flung galaxies
scoop up eons of light to go and eons more coming back
after all this travel time will we be any closer?
the lover also wants to know…

sometimes i wonder whether we should sit and wait for ansible
or other instant protocols for instant message needs
to talk not just to future times that won’t know who we are
but to every living crawling swimming flying walking thing
not the least of which is all the forms that we will take someday
i’m afraid that if we wait too long even we humans won’t be one,
we’ll be humans A and humans B,
or worse, at this rate,
humans A and humans Z
and one will sign and one will talk
and one will smell what you mean and the other just baulk
at the way those other guys try to communicate with their noses and their complex pheromones
and if we stay spread apart in time and space it won’t be long till everything
is a universe apart

oh, being apart…
even to you today your other half is half-alien
not even two continents away
the alien beeps and groans still sputter out down from your speakers
despite such wicked throughput, the quickest ping, and best intentions
skype is just not true to life
and it’s looking like what’s not so close is far too far away
what’s a man to do?
can we keep the light years at bay?

some will say to multiply in people and in rockets,
to exponentialize our meager efforts and
to try to reach the stars that are breaking off and slipstreaming away

it seems it comes down to this notion that we must always grow
and be the beings that end up being all and everything
lest we find ourselves stuck entropically
on some lonely swimming rock in space
crumbling till our final grain of sand
becomes the finest mote of dust on hand
to be exhaled in the universe’s
final tiny breath.

but how much force can the soul withstand while plastered to the sky?
and can we learn how to drench with love the distant planets’ hearts and minds?
to join, unite, and conquer this darkness
the forced separation a lover feels
can it be made right?
will we find a way to create light?

[inspired by: the story of dark energy and the joys of being wrong]