Posts Tagged ‘psychology’

3
Nov

How to Deal with a Narcissist

by adminadam in articles

john_william_waterhouse_echo_and_narcissus

Rules Adapted from: 12 Steps to Dealing with Narcissists – Emotional Self Protection and Boundary Setting
Author/Producer: RICHARD GRANNON SPARTANLIFECOACH
Original Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-Ud9tV90U0

A Twelve-Step Program

  1. Identify and admit that you are dealing with a narcissist.
  2. Test it: do you feel like crap when you speak to them?
  3. Clarify to yourself what you are feeling at the moment (while dealing with them).
  4. Clarify the boundary between your problems and their problems. (say “I’m not having that problem.”)
  5. Assert to yourself that you don’t let people treat you like this.
  6. Be aware they have ulterior motives and an interminable agenda. (It won’t get better.)
  7. Physically withdraw as much as possible and create distance between you and them.
  8. Psychologically withdraw from them. Don’t be tempted to share or be friendly.
  9. Recognize and remind yourself that you cannot help or fix them, no matter how reasonable or compassionate you may be.
  10. Manage your own state of being and remember that they are provoked the most by vulnerability (exploiting the weak).
  11. Remember that they need your pain and discomfort to feel good.
  12. Do not discuss personal issues with narcissists. Redirect the conversation.

My Challenge

I find I always have to remind myself most that they cannot be helped (#9) and it will not get better (#6). As a reasonable and empathetic person myself, I am so often flabbergasted by their inability to integrate new self-knowledge via external feedback, coaching, guidance, and so on that they receive from others. The fact that they engage in feedback-seeking behaviors without the fundamental capacity (and/or willingness) to induce personal growth in themselves using said feedback just confounds me. I constantly find myself feeling sorry for myself that it *truly* won’t get any better and I can’t do anything to change, halt, or unravel the narcissist’s indiscriminate vomit-spewing agenda.

And then I find myself caught in this rabbit-hole loop of positing new and ever more refined, plausible-sounding theories about the childhood trauma-based, alcoholism-exacerbated, insecurity-ridden, self-aggrandizing, other-invalidating behaviors that eminate from this pathetic shell of a person. This pathetic shell of a person who gets drunk and then cries for her mama after she’s done trash-talking you and your family for an hour. This pathetic shell of a person who pounds his chest and interrupts the meeting 38 times in 25 minutes so he can feel like Big Important Ape-Man and then go cry in his car for an hour in the office parking lot while drinking himself stupid.

And I feel the damned temptation to be merciful, compassionate, and understanding. But at least I am not damned like them. I have the ability to choose how I bring these patterns and this fluctuating dynamic into my conscious awareness, to choose to see things as they really are. I am blessed to have this burden that is empathy, that is other-awareness, that is sense-of-fairness, that is self-awareness. Not everybody has that particular giant boulder to push up the hill every day now do they?


The Myth of Sisyphus

10
Apr

Extropy +6: Creative Thinking

by adminadam in articles

How understanding our own minds and the ways that we solve problems will allow us to invent creative machines…

ScienceDaily (2010-12-02) — A mathematical model based on psychology theory allows computers to mimic human creative problem-solving, and provides a new roadmap to architects of artificial intelligence.

Explicit-Implicit Interaction theory is the most recent advance on a well-regarded outline of creative problem solving known as “Stage Decomposition,” developed by Graham Wallas in his seminal 1926 book “The Art of Thought.” According to stage decomposition, humans go through four stages — preparation, incubation, insight (illumination), and verification — in solving problems creatively.

Building on Wallas’ work, several disparate theories have since been advanced to explain the specific processes used by the human mind during the stages of incubation and insight. Competing theories propose that incubation — a period away from deliberative work — is a time of recovery from fatigue of deliberative work, an opportunity for the mind to work unconsciously on the problem, a time during which the mind discards false assumptions, or a time in which solutions to similar problems are retrieved from memory, among other ideas.

Each theory can be represented mathematically in artificial intelligence models. However, most models choose between theories rather than seeking to incorporate multiple theories and therefore they are fragmentary at best.

Sun and Hèlie’s Explicit-Implicit Interaction (EII) theory integrates several of the competing theories into a larger equation.

Read the full article on ScienceDaily.

9
Mar

Working Hard to Enlighten

by adminadam in education, home, videos

First Buddhism-related post in quite a while. This one a speech from one of my favorite wise people about progressing along the path of spiritual-development. What does it take to grow? Do we need guides along the way? Certainly it doesn’t hurt to be pushed once in a while. I love the story here and how it demonstrates the value of troublemakers in our lives.

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